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Types of People you will Meet at Every Tory Society

Due to COVID-19 restrictions, in-person social events are nearly impossible to be held in person. Even though zoom has been valuable in many ways, nothing can replace real-life Port and Policy and speaker events! In this article we shall be listing the types of people that show up in every Tory Society. 

The Cameron-era Tory

This Tory wishes David Cameron had never called for the Brexit referendum in 2016 and would have voted to #remaIN in the European Union. However, this Tory respects democracy and ends up voting Conservative in the 2019 election because “Corbyn is the absolute worst!” Will often criticize the current administration for its over-the-top spending practices and advocates for a return to the Cameron-era spending practices.

The Brexit or Bust Tory

This student passionately supported the leave campaign in 2016 and believes that Nigel Farage “is the best thing that ever happened to this country.” Voted for the Brexit Party in the 2019 EU elections but was happy to see Boris “get Brexit done.” Strongly believes that January 31st was the only good day of 2020. Their screensaver includes a picture of them climbing on Winston Churchill’s statue on Parliament Square that night, while holding a Union Jack.

The High Tory

Where do I begin… This Tory idolises 18th century Britain and the return of the British Empire. Maggie is his (yes his, for some reason this Tory is always male) Queen and Jacob Rees-Mogg his idol. The focus of the Party on issues such as LGBT rights and climate change are not something he agrees with. Always wears a three-piece suit, becomes awkward when talking to women. 

The White Tie Tory

This Tory is all in for Black Tie and White Tie events. Engages in fine dining and is a member of the East India Club and/or of the Carlton Club. Dresses mostly like the High Tory but is more open minded when it comes to social issues. If they’re male, they have a much better chance with the fairer sex. Sings “Jerusalem” and the National Anthem at the end of each Port and Policy, before heading to Players Bar and Kitchen. 

The Conservative International Student 

Unfortunately this conservative is not eligible to vote in UK elections but wishes that he or she could. Supports the main-stream right-wing party in his or her own country and deep down wishes that their party would “be more like the Tories.” Plans to reside in the United Kingdom after graduation. 

Who are you?

Appears from out of nowhere during an event or drinks social. Doesn’t speak and nobody is brave enough to ask who he is. Either 18 years old or 40.

The Libertarian

Not always a fan of the Tories but voting for the Conservative Party is their only viable option since the Libertarian party attracts too many peadophiles. Strongly opposes COVID-19 lockdowns and the national minimum wage and supports a privatised NHS. Usually studies PPE, Economics, or Political Economy. 

The Loose Cannon

Complete liability. The committee gives nervous looks at events when they stand up to speak. Banned from several social clubs and ceremonially cuts up their conservative membership each year, only to join back a month later. Tries to blend in with High Tories. 

The Open-Minded Labour/Liberal Democrat Voter

This non-Tory is usually a close friend or the significant other of a Tory or a non-Tory that is just curious about the working of Tories. Often stays quiet or gets booed by the entire house during Port and Policy. Asks MP guest-speakers hard questions.

The Marxist 

Someone’s friend who was dragged along to an event. Hates our guts but secretly enjoys all the events we put on. Probably went to a boarding school but pretends he is working class. 

Bonus: Those from Other Institutions

These students (and non-students) need to pay at the door in order to attend alcohol-fuelled events. King’s students often complain about UCL and vise-versa but when port is served, everyone comes together to scream “SOOOUUUNND!”

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